


Persona Divise

by hyukko (CorellianSea)



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Happy Ending, M/M, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-13
Updated: 2014-01-13
Packaged: 2018-06-05 02:29:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6685621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CorellianSea/pseuds/hyukko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Donghae is two in one, and now he can't tell the difference anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Persona Divise

 

 

Never once did Donghae think he had a really hard life.

Maybe a hard one. But not a really hard one at the same time. He had one good friend he met in college, a job at his family's business (in which he never took the paycheck for, for the sake of his family of course) and he studied and worked hard. Life was normal for him. Eighteen and all. He couldn’t drive yet, nor did he really want to. Sometimes he just wanted to stay a kid. And that was okay with him.

> Donghae was a nerd.

He played _ minecraft _ often, plus other stuff. Not too much. Maybe some _ Xbox _ , some _ ps3 _ , surfed some _ tumblr _ , slept, ate, jerked off; the norm when it came to an eighteen year old guy. Since high school life was over for him long ago, he abandoned that now past life with glee and kept barely a handful of friends. Maybe one. Or two. And well, a couple internet friends of course. He liked talking among his friends on _ Skype _ ; he made friends on _ tumblr _ through anime role playing and well, more anime and more nerdy stuff that he considered-- well, once again, for lack of better wording; nerdy.   All t hose people couldn’t exactly see him for how dorky and stupid he always thought he was. His confidence was lacking in that department. But that was okay for him.

> Donghae was flamboyant.

No lies there. He liked his bright orange hair and his striking red crimson jackets (sometimes blue, but that was when he was in a good mood.). He liked the fact he wore eyeliner so well, he liked his combat boots and he liked the fact his nails were painted black sometimes . He also liked he had more than four piercings on each ear and he liked the fact that he could tie his hair up because it was a bit too long for a normal guy.

> Donghae liked being different.

He was a never a plain boy. He had a bright, dazzling smile, one that swooned and tipped over girls in a heartbeat. Sometimes guys. But Donghae didn’t really care. He didn’t know how to actually.

> Donghae always sat in the front of class.

He had tried sitting in the back before, in his first class with his first professor and his very first time feeling like an adult for once. He didn’t like it. He couldn’t see very well from the back, it was hard to hear sometimes and he also had a hard time paying attention. Plus, the girl sitting behind him was too pretty and made him nervous fast. So he moved.

> Donghae had never met Tablo before sitting next to him every day in class.

He found out he preferred that nickname when he corrected the professor in class. He was a nice man. Gentle, kind, understanding. He was a lot older than Donghae in this college. Though of course there were a wide variety of ages here. He had a wife and a kid, and another on the way. Tablo looked a lot younger than Donghae actually thought he was. But he liked the fact the man was so young at heart as well. Plus, he didn’t say anything about his appearance. So that put him in a good place in his book of people. Though he hardly felt adjusted to this new environment of people.

> Donghae had an anxiety attack in his 5 th week into the semester.

He remembered grabbing his bag without thinking and quickly hurrying out that day. The professor had noticed but didn’t care much about where the students were going in the middle of class compared to good old high school. He was an adult now. Though he grit his teeth at the thought of it all. If he was an adult, then why was he having another attack again? He was  not fifteen anymore. Things were different. It had to be. He was eighteen. He needed to behave like one. He needed to in order to be normal.

Donghae didn’t see that Tablo followed him soon after .

He hid in the library like he always did after class. There was a two hour wait until his next class started. So he sat in a cornered table, holding his face and breathing deeply, wishing that someone was there to help him though at the same time he wanted no one to find him . T here wasn’t exactly anyone he could count on since he cut ties from his high school friends. He did it to himself. Tablo finds him less than ten minutes later. A knowing look on his face. Plus a smile.

Donghae tells him his secrets.

He spills his guts out to him while sitting in the library. Surprising for the younger, really. Only having lunch with the older man maybe once, twice max. He had problems trusting people. He had problems with pretty much everything. But here, he spills his darkest secrets. Not all of it though, mind you. Enough to where the eye can already see. Somehow, he knows that he just needs to let it out. Let out the pain he kept his mouth shut about. This man wouldn’t make a difference, he knows, so he doesn’t stop the tumble of words from his mouth. He pulls his left sleeve up to show him the truth. Tablo gets up to hug him and he takes him out for lunch.

> Donghae feels better the first few days after that.

For once he feels like he's starting to make friends again. Since he sat in the front of the class; participating in lectures became that much easier for him. He was loud mouthed, loved laughing outrageously while cracking jokes. He loved it. He loved the fact that his professor was bald, and the fact that he could secretly wonder what it would be like to rub his little shiny head. He giggles in his seat while another student passes papers around. Here, he realizes he has no pen. So he turns to his seatmate, and borrows a pen from a nice boy sitting behind him . He doesn’t take too much mind of it.

Donghae realizes he shares more than one class with him.

By the time he's done packing his laptop into his backpack, he remembers that he _ had _ borrowed a pen from the student that sits behind him. He blinks and snaps his fingers in his own stupidity before recalling that face from somewhere else. He looks around the room. Just a couple people filtering out. Out the room he goes, briskly walking on his feet with glee. Tablo wasn’t here today. His little girl was sick. Class was a little less fun without his new partner in crime, but he still enjoyed class. With a sharp turn to the right and into the library, he finds his same old spot he always sat in and curls up with a book, waiting.

Donghae actually pays attention to the roll call when he reaches his next class.

Once again they sit next to each other. But this time in a computer class. He has no idea how they always managed to end up together, but they do. And he doesn’t mind. However, he still needs the pen for this class. Oh! Lee Hyukjae. The name is called twice, because the first time he apparently didn’t hear. The latter was too engrossed in a book he had walked in with. A chuckle escapes thin lips when Hyukjae stutters out an acknowledgment to a glaring professor. When class ends, he returns the pen to Hyukjae. And the boy is surprised at first, his mouth the shape of an 'o' before it turns into a dazzling gummy smile. Donghae might have lost his breath at that moment.

> Donghae didn’t know how to ask advice from Tablo at first.

Tablo admitted before that he didn’t understand him very much sometimes, but he was far from against him. He liked him a lot, even said so himself. They enjoyed their shared meals together and even hung out away from campus often. And well, he still cant drive yet, so Tablo picked him up for school sometimes since they had the same morning class. In the end he doesn’t ask anything from Tablo after all. Tablo had already given so much.

> Donghae was getting worse fast .

He was scared of the situation in his family. It was boiling up, nearly bursting from the pressure and the people around him had come to notice it. His adventures in minecraft were stopping, as was his conversations in _ Skype _ , his role-playing; he blamed it on college and that he was merely busy. But he wasn't. You could count himself as busy, dealing with his depression and schoolwork. He didn’t know what had been getting over him. But it was getting worse, and far too fast.

Donghae didn’t have another bad anxiety attack until the 7 th week into the semester.

He grabbed his bag as usual and tried to leave quickly, but this time his professor called him out. Everyone in the class knew everyone at this point , and the professor was more loose and carefree, which only served to hinder him more. He shakes his head and merely said he wasn’t feeling well. He whispers to Tablo that he can't be here. And Tablo understands almost immediately. The professor makes a joke while he closes the door to their large classroom, and he bolts to the bathroom to wash his face before nearly sprinting to his usual spot in the library to calm down .

Donghae sees him through the cracks in his fingers.

Hyukjae was stepping up the stairs, backpack slung over his shoulder and eyes searching around. Donghae covers his face and sighs. His laptop glowed in front of him, displaying the Skype menu where he hoped to find someone he could talk to earlier, and nearly has a heart attack when he sees Hyukjae walking toward him from a clearing of bookshelves. He greets him politely, tiredly, and Hyukjae asks him if he's doing alright. Donghae lies, like he always does and Hyukjae looks pretty convinced at that. They talk, of random things, and then Tablo shows up, eyes darting to another figure in his usual spot. They talk even more. They exchange numbers among themselves, and Hyukjae has another class to attend. He leaves first. Then Tablo. Then Donghae.

> Donghae starts wearing more and more make up when he realizes his crush.

It started with eyeliner of course. Then the BB creams. Sometimes a foundation layer on a good day. A light dust of bronzer powder for his high cheeks. His sparse eyebrows needed to be fixed with an eyebrow pencil of course. His hair was getting longer, but he liked his hair. His best friend; Heechul, had always been girly and his family never minded it too much. So he just continued on with his unusual fashion sense. He always dyed his hair. It was orange, then to bright blonde, then right to red hair again. Which led to ash brown. It stayed that way when Hyukjae said it looked nice.

> Donghae didn’t really know how to talk to Hyukjae.

He sucked at talking to men sometimes. He finds it easier to talk to men who knew the world of tumblr as well, where it was alright to make a couple gay jokes and rub up against each other with no problem. It was alright to yell and make faces and do even weirder things. Hyukjae wasn’t like that. But Donghae wasn’t like _ him _ . And he knew that. He knew he should have backed down plenty of times before. But he didn’t. And when Hyukjae asks a favor of him for the first time through text, Donghae says yes without even a second thought.

> Donghae gets made fun of by his family when he says he has things to do on a Sunday night.

“I have a life too you know!” He pouts while crossing his arms. He'd just finished applying his makeup and straightened out his clothes. His makeup was bit more extravagant than he usually did, but he told himself that it was only because it wasn’t a school day.

“Life? Are you trying to tell me that you have a life outside of tumblr and your stupid anime worlds?” His brother snorts at him and he glares with sharp eyes, more exaggerated with the kohl back wing that stopped near his crease.

Donghwa backs down at the glare and a horn sounds off at the front of his house, signaling that Hyukjae was there to pick him up. He leaves with a slight smile on his lips, adjusting his heavy studded belt without much thought while walking out the front door. Today, he was volunteering with Hyukjae at a local retirement home and he was to decorate it for Christmas. Hyukjae lacked helpers, and here he was, doing nothing but watching _ Dexter _ and avoiding homework. Nothing wrong with helping out some old people, huh?   


Donghae never expected many workers, especially not of the female gender.

Hyukjae said he didn’t have enough people. All of the workers there were all girls. A group of seven people, five women and two males, including Donghae and Hyukjae. They were all very nice though, he enjoyed their company even though he was shy. While Hyukjae stood upon a high ladder, Donghae found himself with nothing to do but worry over Hyukjae from the high spot in silence. One of them, Kang Sora, was very friendly and also from the college. She admired his make up, as did many of the girls, and soon he was the center of attention while still under Hyukjae's weary eyes as he hung up the Christmas themed curtains.

“Oppa, I think you're very brave for showing who you really are.” Kwon Boa, or so he learned her name earlier, spoke with bright eyes. “You look really beautiful with your makeup and stuff. I'm jealous. I'm a girl and you're better than me!”

“ No no, ” Donghae politely declines, shaking his hands before him. He was too busy staring at Hyukjae who was facing away from him, but decided to look down to her for the sake of being polite. “I just had a lot of a free time on my hands because I wasn’t one for studying.” He chuckles a bit awkwardly. “I just like being myself.”

“That's what makes you amazing! You're like--” she gasps and turns to her friend who was standing beside her and squeals. “You're like the Korean version of the Japanese singer Gackt! He wears a lot of makeup but looks manly too. Can you sing, Oppa?”

Donghae mutters to himself weakly which makes her perk up even closer to him, he means to shake his head but is saved by Hyukjae. “Alright, alright, enough questions. We can talk about It later. We have stuff to do right now. Boa, can you help me hang these ornaments on the ceiling?”

> Donghae has his first dinner with Hyukjae. Kind of.

They all eat together at a cafe in the late evening when they finished up. With a few other adults who were hosting the volunteer help with Hyukjae, they all chat and eat amongst themselves. Here, Donghae learns a lot more about Hyukjae.

“So you like dancing?” Donghae peers to his left, where Hyukjae sat and was currently stuffing his face with noodles.

“Yeah, I do. I want to make a career out of it, but it seems like it's a long shot from where im standing now.” Hyukjae wipes his mouth and smiles. “And you-- you must like make up a lot huh? Do you want to be a makeup artist? Or are they called something else?”

Donghae picks at his preserved eel and rice. “I guess you could say that. There's a lot of things I want to do, but too many to choose from at the same time. I love make up a lot. It's fun.” He turns to Hyukjae with slightly confused eyes however, and they brighten in curiosity as well. “You know; I’m surprised you're not all creeped out about the way I look. A lot of people tend to look the other way when it comes to me.”

Hyukjae snorts and Donghae stares at him, head tilting from the angle. What did that mean?

“Why would anyone want to look away from you?” Hyukjae takes a sip of his drink before turning to Donghae with a toothless smile. “You're really pretty.”

Donghae feels his face heat up and he nudges Hyukjae with a sheepish laugh.

“Or should I say handsome? I'll say handsome then.”

Donghae just shoves him even harder in the booth they sat in.

Donghae is more than surprised when Hyukjae ended up so free about his feelings.

 

**_HaeHae_ ** _ : Wait what? _

 

**_Hyukjae_ ** _ : Did I say something wrong? _

 

Donghae stares at his Skype screen like it was going to burst into flames right before him. Today was an eventful day, or so he liked to think. They went to classes together, came out of classes together, walked around the campus together, eventually saw a movie together and even had dinner together. He felt more than butterflies right now.

 

**Hyukjae** : _ So... Was it not? _

**HaeHae** : _ No! No. That's not it. I just didn’t think you would think it was a date. _

**Hyukjae** : _ Oh shit. Did I just fuck up our friendship? _

**HaeHae** : _ NO _

**HaeHae** : _ NO _

**HaeHae** : _ NO YOU DIDNT _

**HaeHae** : _ SHUT YOUR FACE I HAD A GREAT DAY OK _

**Hyukjae** : _ OH GOD OKAY IM SORRY _

**Hyukjae** : _ but no seriously I had a really nice time today, hae _

**HaeHae** : _ oh my god we're already moving to pet names _

**Hyukjae** : _ can u not rn _

**Hyukjae** : _ IM TRYING TO BE ROMANTIC _

**HaeHae** : _ im soRRY _

**HaeHae** : _ What I meant by that was that uh-- _

**HaeHae** : _ I didnt know you liked men? _

**Hyukjae** : _ I'm gay. _

**HaeHae** : _ w O W GREAT JOB ON THE HEADS UP U SHIT _

**Hyukjae** : _ COME ON GIVE ME A BREAK IM NOT RADIATING IT LIKE YOU ARE OK _

**HaeHae** : _ fuCK U IM  PANSEXUAL _

**Hyukjae** : _ oh _

**Hyukjae** : _ whats that _

**HaeHae** : _ it means I don’t really care about gender _

**Hyukjae** : _ oh good ok I have a chance then. _

**HaeHae** : _ I never said I didn’t think this was a date though _

**Hyukjae** : _ oh um ok _

**HaeHae** : _ wow you really suck at this don’t you _

**Hyukjae** : _ I GET SHY _

**HaeHae:** _ tthats cute hehehehehehehe _

**Hyukjae** : _ ugh _   
  


> Donghae has a break down within the next few days, slashing his wrists yet again.

“ You're curious, aren't you? ” Donghae whispers under his breath as they both sit in Hyukjae's room, on his bed. They were watching _ Back to the Future _ , but it seemed their attention was diverted when Donghae's sleeves were pulled up.

“I am.” Hyukjae shrugs, looking away. “But i'm not asking because I respect your privacy.”

“You can ask anything you know.” He smiles, though weak.

“OK then. Why?”

The question was so blunt that Donghae blinked before registering there wasnt something behind it all.  “I have some problems.” Donghae starts before stuttering. “M-my d-- Jesus fuck. I never had to explain to anyone like this before. I'm sorry. Like, when I tell people, it's more of a casual thing because I know it won't affect me. But with you... ”

Hyukjae just smiles at him. “I can wait you know.”

“No it's fine.” A sigh is released before he continues “My dad had passed away when I was young. I was pretty damn young actually. Next thing I know I stopped seeing him around and was confused about it, but then my mom gets a new boyfriend. He liked me... A lot.”

Hyukjae suddenly tenses next to him.

“Sometimes he would babysit me while my mom was at work. He was a jobless fuck who was a kiss-up to my mom a lot. He always promised her better things. She never noticed anything when we were alone. ” Donghae scratches his head, fidgeting harshly with every word that's forced out. “He... He would touch me a lot. Some night s he touched me in a different way. And when I told him I didn't like it he started to hi--”

“Oh my fucking god, please stop.”

Donghae turns to Hyukjae, eyebrows knit up. “I'm sorry... I'm sorry. I just... I thought you should know if you like me or something. I'm not exactly a best candidate to date--”

“Donghae if you say one more word i'm gonna find that sick mother fuck and destroy him right now.” Hyukjae snags him and pulls him close, tightening his hold every time Donghae tried to protest in confusion, eyes wide. “Why the fuck do you apologize anyway? None of that shit was your fault. I dont even wanna hear it if you think you're... dirtied or something. You're Donghae. You're you.”

> Donghae and Hyukjae start dating after that night.

It was a weird turn out considering the fact they had such a serious talk and Hyukjae's dad wanted Donghae out of the house a bit more earlier than usual. They ended up talking even longer in the car, unable to bring themselves to part for the night. They hold hands for as long as they can before Donghae bids him goodnight, promising he'll see him the next day. One kiss is exchanged and Donghae feels his heart flutter for the first time.

When Hyukjae feels better about being at Donghae's house more often, he's invited for dinner with the family.

"I can't tell you. I'm scared. You don't know what it's like telling someone this." Donghae breathes shallowly, teeth grit as he tosses the little steak bites on the sizzling pan. He hoped that making some dinner with Hyukjae would actually take his mind off the personal and rather sensitive subjects of himself, but it only served to interest the older man even more.

"You're scared for no reason." Hyukjae settles next to the outdoor stove, sitting upon a green trash can that nearly tilted over from his weight. It was cold and the fire warmed them both. "Nothing you could ever tell me could make me think of you any different."

The brunette glares at the dimly lit pan, fingers clenching against the wood of the brown chopsticks. His mind repeats that it's a bad idea altogether. Don't do it, Donghae. Don't do it, Donghae. Lee Hyukjae is just going to leave you after this. He'll eat dinner out of politeness, go home, then text you, and then he's going to fade from then on. Like everyone else.

"No."

Hyukjae brushes some of his hair back in frustration and stands with a mildly disgruntled look. "Why? What are you hiding from me?"

"Well I ' m not dying, i'll tell you that." Donghae weakly jokes.

Hyukjae only stares at him blankly until the younger is taking a huge breath. Donghae's stomach flips before the words tumble out of his mouth.

"I'm not just... Donghae. I ' m... two in one."

“ I don't understand. ”

Donghae rubs his forehead with a sigh. They accept the first part, not the second part. Turn around, Hae. Turn around. You don't even have to tell him. It's not something he needs to know. “I'm... Uh. When I was younger and all that shit went down... I got really confused about my sexuality. I got confused as to why some dude with a penis was deciding to--”

“I got that part.”

Another sigh. “I thought I should like girls because that's what guys did. Then after a while I started looking at men too. At that time was getting into Anime and Cosplay and I kept wondering what makeup would be like since I had some bad skin at the time. It started escalating...”

Hyukjae gently takes his chin, turning his head. He kisses him once and with extra care this time. “And...?”

“Cosplaying was fun. But only for a while. After a while I started experimenting with wigs and other clothing.” Donghae flips the little steak bites on the pan, the sizzling grew louder and his voice became smaller. “My mom was with him for a while.... Into my early teens. I was pretty to him and... And I --” Donghae chuckles out, exasperated and Hyukjae just continues to look at him worriedly.

“After a while I met this guy named Heechul online. He was a really cool guy and was a lot like me. With the makeup and everything. I found out there that I wasn't alone when it came to men being girly. When I confessed to him about what was going on in my family, he told me to fight back.” He shrugs and places new slabs of meat on the pan after removing the cooked pieces and snorts. “I never had before and I felt like I had this fucking revelation in me. I never fought back before.”

“And that's when Ayden was born.”

Hyukjae blinks. “Wait, what? Your mom had a kid with him?”

“...Not exactly. Ayden was really strong. And she kept me strong too.”

“I think I'm starting to get the picture here.” Hyukjae stands back up from the green trash can and ventures a bit away to the pond in their backyard. “So... Ayden shows up when Donghae wasn't strong enough. And Ayden eventually...?”

“--Punched that bastard down and stomped a heel in his face.”

“Oh my god.” Hyukjae snorts with a gummy laugh. “You... You wear heels?”

Donghae blushed and quietly nods, scratching the inner corner of his eye where glittery make up was already smeared on.  His voice is quiet again. “In the back of my closet... I have dresses and sh-shoes... and other clothes.”

“Oh. Okay, I see.”

It's quiet between the two and Donghae is the first one to let out a huge sigh and break the silence. “So.... I'm ready. I'm ready for what you think.”

Hyukjae turns from looking at the fish in the pond, taking notice that Donghae couldn't face him and was staring down at the glowing pan. “What do _ I _ think?” Hyukjae walks over to him. “I think I should thank Ayden for saving Donghae for me. I want to thank her for being there when I wasn't.”

Donghae bites his lip.

“B-But what if Donghae and Ay-Ayden were the _ same _ person?”

“Then Donghae and Ayden are the same person.” Hyukjae shrugs. “I like both sides, and I like the person that carries them both. That's all that matters. ”

“But...”

Hyukjae laughs, smile crooked. “But what? Donghae, what are you afraid of?”

“You're gay. You already told me you have no interest in females at all...”

“But you're not female.”

“And what if I _ want _ to be?”

“I--” Hyukjae stops. “Oh.”

“I... I'm sorry. I'm sorry I put that on you.”

“Will you stop apologizing for like five seconds?” He hugs Donghae who was shaking, and not only from the cold. The dinner was burning but they didn't notice. “Look... I don't care if you have boobs or a dick or a vagina... Or even something all mixed together. I just like you for _ you _ . Everything else... Just doesn't matter.”

Donghae cried for a whole hour that night, and his mom shot confused looks in every direction and even at the burnt dinner.

Donghae's scars fade faster and his arms become less raw over the months.

Donghae graduates along with Hyukjae, the grin on his lips never seemed to fade.

Donghae keeps in touch with Tablo, getting tips on how to be an actual adult along with baby sitting his adorable daughter.

Donghae begins to grow her hair during he winter, and it reaches her shoulders by summer.

Ayden was content with her body as it was, just being identified in the way that she wanted was already enough.

Ayden stemmed her name from Aiden and felt like she wasted her name, so in her stead, she names her first adopted son with Hyukjae; Aiden.

 

Ayden never stopped smiling with Hyukjae.

 

  
The end.


End file.
